Those Immortals
by Anna Ramey
Summary: Have you ever wondad what it would be lik fur that preepy bish Britney? I'm hur to shoe u!  Disclaimer: I am NOT an idiot like someone we know...*cough* Tara Gillesbie *cough* This is a parody, don't take it seriously...Please!  Rated M for Smex
1. Chapter 1

My name is Brittney Von la Lederhosen and I am a pixie. I have white-blonde hair and large blue eyes. I've never had a zit on my face and I love the color pink. I hate those stupid gothic kids, they are so…scary. Hilary Duff is my lifelong role-model I'll love her for the rest of my life. She is so pretty and cool. Anyway, I was walking down the hall and I saw Ebony and Draco Malfoy (GOD I HATE him.) They were walking and I couldn't help but think they looked so great together (NO JUST KIDDING!) They are stupid goffiks.

When I managed to catch their extremely creepy red-bloodshot eyes (Which, by the way, seem to change throughout the course of the story that I am telling you) they flipped me off. And they expect that to damage me? God, their SOOO stupid. I ignored them and I popped in the earphones to my iPod. "Oops, I Did It Again" by Britney Spears was playing. By the way, she's ALSO my idol. And we're same name buddies! Yay!

Anyway, I was walking down the hallway wearing nothing but a hot pink mini dress with pictures of Jesus on it (geddit cause I'm Christian?) and a belt that said 'The Church is one Foundation). I headed down to the Great Hall for breakfast, but I don't really eat food. I like to keep my figure (which is positively TINY thank you very much.) I saw Harry Potter sitting there, except he wasn't really the same. He was all Gothic! He was sitting at the SLYTHERYN table TALKING to EBONY! How could he? He and I used to be sooooo intimate in the common room after hours *wink wink*.

"Oh well," I said to myself. "His loss." I sat across from Dean Thomas, that one black kid. Now, I don't mean that in a racist way at ALL, I'm simply saying his complexion resembles more of a Dark Chocolate Almond rather than my perfect Jersey Shore-like tan. "Hey!" he said un-sexily (because who says "hi" sexily?) I smiled back at him, flashing all 28 perfectly straight teeth. "I have a perfect prank for the Slytherin table of freaky-ass goffics." I thought about this, it sounded perfectly devious, as long as Jesus allowed me to. "Go for it."

Ginny looked up from her breakfast "Really? That sounds _great_, Harry joined their table for No reason! I Miss him, we used to date and stuff."

"Bitch!" I shouted out "HE WAS MINE!"

"No, I was dating him first, and anyway—he's not dating anyone now."

"Is that true?"

"Yes,"

"Oh," I said un-sexily.

"Well, now that he's into those…goffics or whatever, who am I gonna date NOW?"

Ginny pondered this for a second…

"How about Dean?"

Dean nodded enthusiastically, bringing out his serenading mariachi band and pulling up flowers. The mariachi band began to sing:

"Oh Britney, he's wanted to date you since the beginning of time….Oh Britney, he wants to ask "Will you be mine…" But he didn't, and now we're doing it instead… Britney, will you take him to the bed?"

"NO DEAN, I'M NOT INTERESTED."

He sunk back down into his seat, and the mariachi band went back to Mexico.

"What about Seamus? He's got a cute accent." Said Muffy, who is my best friend: Muffy has blonde hair and pretty hazel eyes, she is super skinny but I think that might be because she throws up after every one of her meals—twice!

"Nah, he's _Irish_!" I shouted in a angry voice.

"Ron Weasly?" Buffy asked.

"Nope, he's _poor!" _I said sexily.

"Dumblydore?"

"WTF Muffy?"

"WHAT? I'm just throwing out suggestions."

I gave up, figuring that I'd probably end up forever alone with that mariachi band singing to me every second of my life.

"Oh Britney, you gave up Dean….Oh Britney, you're so obscene…"

"What about…Cedric?"

"Cedric?" I asked suddenly intrigued. "Why him, I thought he was a stupid Hufflepuff.

The Mariachi band jumped out of the orange juice "Cedric is so hot. Cedric has some pot."

"Really? I've got to get me some of that, Buffy, Muffy lets go."

"Yay!" they cried sexily.

I walked up to the hot piece of ass that was Cedric Digahole. He gave me the evil eye, which is OBVIOUSLY boy code for "COME GET SOME OF THIS."

"What the hell do you want, Britney?"

"Hey big boy. Whatcha doin?"

"Eating bacon…can I eat my fried meats in peace?"

"Not without me, sexy."

"Alright then…what the hell do you wanna talk about?"

"You. Me. Sex. Naow."

And she jumped on top of him sexily.

"AHHH! RAP RAP!" Cried Cedric Sexily as he pushed me away and reaching for his wand. Cho Cheng came running over to us looking at us angrily.

"GET OFF MY BOYFRIEND YOU BIIIIIITCH" Cho screamed. 

"No," I said starting to hum his sexy leg and suddenly I got an erection…except I'm a girl so I don't get those—sicko!

"Please! I'm too young to be rapped!" he said sexily and Cho nodded in sexy agreement.

"But…butbut…I want your meat…and I DON'T mean your bacon." I winked sexily.

Cedric looked at me with horror, which OBVIOUSLY means in boy language that "HEY, jump on top of me, ignore my totally freakish girlfriend! I WANT you!"

Then, I looked down and saw the tattoo that was uglyishly placed on his wrist that said "CCFAE"

"WTF is that supposed to mean?"

Wait, why did I ask? OBVIOUSLY it means Cats Can Face All Eggs.

"Cho Chang Forever and Ever. Because, you know, she's my GIRLYFRIEND and all."

I stomped away sexily, giving up….for now.

Okai so dat was teh end of the first chaptttaaahhhhh! Vas is not supahhh sexiiiii? Like jebbus! Is it god? (lol geddit jebbus god) and don't fuckin flam me stupid goffic bichhhessss


	2. Plz have SMEX wif meh!

Fuk u all you srupid goffs! I dunt car if u dnt lik da stroy! Thx 2 all the cul prepz dat gave meh god reviews. U rox!1111111111111112

Chapter 2

I was so angry a/nd yet so sexy at the same time I was crying. My pink sparkly tears were rolling down my perfect face and leaving a rainbow trail down the hallway. Buffy and Muffy followed crying too, we were all so sad for my loss. How could Cedric cheat on me like that? He and I were in love and he ruined it. Thinking about that on top of my feelings for Harry made the tears plop onto the floor with extra exuberance.

As I ran I came across Ebony and Draco having sex in the hall way. He had his PENIS right in her VAGINA—god Ebony refuses to say either of those words, stupid gothic.

"Ahh!" Ebony screamed but Draco continued because he still wanted to finish it up. "Get out of here you poser biiiiiiiiitch!"

"This is a public hall!" I cried sexily, my tears turning blue.

"No, I don't THINK so. Because we wouldn't have sex if it was PUBLIC. Dammit Draco!"

"WHAT DID I DO?"

"YOU STUCK IT IN THE WRONG…"

I ran out before she could finish that sentence.

I was still crying when I ran into Dean. I'm not sure how, though, I thought he was in the commons. Oh well, this is a story, anything can happen.

"Britney? What's wrong?"

"I TRIED TO HAVE HOT SEX WITH DIGAHOLE AND APPERENTLY HE DIDN'T WANT TO DIG ANYTHING IN MY HOLE."

"I'm sorry….there's still always me!"

Suddenly, his stupid mariachi band popped out of nowhere…AGAIN. 

"Oh Britney…please give him one more chance…Britney…he wants in your pants."

I paused, my tears suddenly drying up "How big is your…um"

"HUGE," he said loudly and unzipped his pants.

"AHH!" I screamed "I didn't mean now, you poser!"

"POSER?" He cried and suddenly I was crying yellow tears with rainbow unicorns.

"I'm just not ready to have sex with you yet."

"But…you just tried to rap Cedric, everyone saw you." He said in a sad voice

"That is different," I told him "Cedric isn't black."

"But because I'm black…ya know….we have…like, we're on top of the huge penis ratio. You know?"

"Will it hurt?"

"SO BAD."

"Okay…I guess we can do it. But first…"

"First what?"

"Let's pray."

"Dear god in heaven," I said while un-zipping my dress and tossing It to the floor "Please make this sex be the hottest, kinky-est, most painfully erotic sex ever."

"Make Britney want a lot more," added Dean, also undressing.

"AMEN" we both screamed and then he shoved his penis that was roughly the size of a Italian Sausage into my hooch and we were having super hot sex right there in the hallway.

Suddenly, Dumblydore walked in!

"What…wait….you're white…he's like, black….this is…really….really awkward for me….ya know what…just keep going…I'll leave now….wait no….I need…..you're in front of my office…I need entrence….THAT SOUNDED BAD I'M SORRY…just…..FUCKING MOVE."

We laid there awkwardly and remained silent. Then, with his banana still in my doughnut, we got up and moved awkwardly.

"Thank you….continue, please….I mean, not like I want you to or anything….this is really weird."

And he backed into his office and shut the door. And locked it 5 times. And put the shutters on the window. And started crying. We could hear it. It kind of killed the mood.

'Hey Dean…can we do this some other time…Dumblydore's sorrows aren't exactly…sexy, you know?

"Fine, later in the common room, alright? I hear it gets really sexy there."

"No," I said a devious smirk appearing on my face "The room of requirement."

"PERFECT!" Dean screamed and then we were getting dressed, I was so happen that I decided to go back to the common room and skip the rest of my classes for the day, it was so fun. Muffy and Buffy and I went to Hogemede and we all shopped at Victoria's Secret and Wet Seal and Icing and I bought a few sexy outfits to wear on my sex-date with Dean tonight. Good thing Harry had enjoyed my services so much he showed me how to get in there.

-END CHAPTA-


	3. CHAPTA FREE m i preggs noooo!

Omgffff u suppid goffic bichhhess I am soooooo not rapist Britnayy not having shmex with dan only becausss he's blakk he's supah sexi Britney von la laderrrrrho is not a slut get over urselvess sje not a murry soo! Fuk 

Chapter 3

Later that night, I got into my sexy outfit for Dean. It was basically lingerie with a Jesus face on it (geddit because Jesus is SUPAHHH SEXY). I also wore high heels and a cross necklace. On the way there, I passed Ron. Except, he looked different. Like….less poor, more ick. More ick then he already was. And I thought that was an impossible fleet. Go figure.

I made it up to the Room of Requirement, although I'd like to call it "The Room of Dean Thomas' giant sausage dick." Although that name is a bit long and rambley..

Anyway, I looked in, and there was Dean. Although I could barely see him, it was super dark and he's black.

"Let's pray first!" I cautioned as I came to the bed. And so we did.

"Now," Dean said throwing my clothes off and his own as well "IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!"

We got on the bed sexily and he shoved his giant banana into my petite little hole and we had sweet sex. It hurt so bad but it was so kinky and erotic I didn't care, hell, his dick was larger than the Eiffel Tower s I couldn't complain. I had my organism and he had his and then we did it all over again! It was so great. We did it like…three times and I wanted to go again but Dean said he was too tired.

"You're on the pill, right?"

"Nu-uh."

Silence.  
>"What?" I asked sexily.<p>

"I didn't were a condemn"

"Oh. That's…uh…unfortunate."

"Yeah…..a bit. May I be the first to apologize for shoving my sword into your beautiful pussy?"

"That's a bit informal, but you're forgiven."

"…We could always pray again."

"Sounds good to me!"

The sex prayer:

Dear God, we screwed, and now we're in a rut

We may give birth to a tiny little mutt

We didn't wear a condemn, and now we're in trouble

And if it's even worse, we might give birth to double

We don't have money, and we don't have the time,

Now we're running all out of rhymes

So dear God, if you could just help out a bit,

So we don't have a creature that throws a fit

DON'T LET US HAVE A FREAKIN BABY

Amen.

"Sounds good to me, and we are wonderful and pure Christians so we won't have this baby." I said happily.

"Yes," Agreed Dean and just for the hell of it, we had sex again—if I was already pregnant it was too late anyway.

When we were done we went out and back to the common room as we were walking we saw FILTCH the caretaker and MRS. NORRIS walking down the hall.

"What the fucking fuck were you two fuckers doing?" he said, drunk.

"We were…studying…"

"What?" Meowed Mrs. Norris.

"Biology."

"Pretty loud biology if you ask me."

"Uh…yeah….we….uhh….we yell at eachother. We got into a fight."

"Oh really? About what?"

"…biology."

"I see. Well, get back to your classes."

"It's the middle of the night!"

"NO IT'S FUCKING NOT SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP."

"Are you drunk?"

"teeheeeeeeee McGoogle is sexy…."

"Yep, drunk."

And then he staggered off, muttering something about "Trelawny's tight ass."

"That…was…awkward."

"JESUS LOVES YOU!" Dean shouted after Filth.

"I WORSHIP ALLAH!"

"FUCK YOU THEN!"

By the way, we call him Filth, because frankly, he's disgusting. He takes showers in Dumblydore's sweat. And Dumbly sweats dirt. Ick.


	4. Boo you!

Fuk u you srupid goffs! Its nut my fult if u dnt lik da stroy!11111 thx fur me bestest friend Lindsey fur teching me Spanish, u rok gurl lets go shoppin together!

Chapter 4

Dean and I started having sex in the room of requirement every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and all day Saturday and Sunday. But since god loved us we wouldn't conceive. So after about two month of this I was walking to Transfingeration and I suddenly felt awful, so I threw up in the nearest person's wizard hat.

"WHAT THE HELL!" cried Cho Chen jumping a mile away.

"I was sick, cut me some slack bitch."

"Oh, it's you," she moaned and ran away.

I was confused for a second then I remembered I tried to have sex with her boyfriend. Oh who cares anyway, Cedric is a tool.

A really, really sexy tool.

Anyway, I walked into the classroom, feeling sicker then Lindsey Lohan on cocaine.

Wait a second. I decided I didn't want to go to class. Screw it. I'll go get Dean from his classroom.

I walked through the halls with my "Jesus loves you! (But I'm his favorite)" shirt and my miniskirt that says "God is Love, Love is Sex" and my regular high heels. Except they weren't regular. They were holy. Because Jesus blessed them. Because he loves me more. So HA to you-sucker!

Anyway, I got to Dean's class, which was potions. Potions class is taught by the most awesome, amazing, beautiful teacher ever, Snap! I walked in and said "Oh Snap!" (geddit because that's his name)

He totally got it, dude! He loves me so much. I asked if I could borrow Dean for a bit.

"Why?"

"I'm gonna have really hot sex with him."

"Oh, okay! Have fun!"

"Thanks Snap, you're the best!"

"Don't forget to pray! Jesus loves you!"


	5. Chapter 5

Omg jebbus lobes me this I kno cuz i was toots making a grilled cheez sammich and he appereard to mee on the sammich! i will now call this sammich grilled cheesus because that sammich is my hollay maker

Oh n fukk off goffics snap is not called "snape" because that's a supah fucking dub name duhhhh Prize grilled cheesus!

Chapter 5

When Dean and I got to the room of requirement we had sex like…four times then I realized I hadn't gotten my period in two months. Is that bad? Suddenly I threw up, but since this is the room a requirement I threw up in a toilet that appeared right where I was.

"You okay?"

"Yep," I said and patted my tiny belly "I throw up after super hot sex sometimes."

"Oh, okay."

"You want a bj?"

"Sure!"

And so I have him a blow job, and we went back to class.

I started thinking. This could be bad….I could be…like….cancerous or something! Obviously, I can't be pregnant. I'm God's favorite! He'd never let me have a baby. Right?

Anyway, later, Dean and I had sex again. At this point, it was getting really boring, so we decided to roleplay as Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez.

"Wait….so which one's male and which one's female?"

"It's hard to say, we'll just take turns okay?"

"Ohh….SUPER sexy!" I winked sexily.

And so we did, Dean did his hair just like Justin's and I did mine the way I like it and then spray painted it black. We had sex again but this time Dean sang 'Baby by Justin Bieber' and it was great. Suddenly when we'd finished I really wanted a smoothie, so I told Dean that we were done for the day.

I walked out of the room and ran into Ebony cutting herself with a steak. It made me hungry, all that yummy steak being used for cutting.  
>"God hates you," I informed her. "That is why you are depressed."<p>

"I LOVE STAN" she creamed and ran away crying bloody tears.

I shrugged and went to the commons were I found Buffy and Muffy making out passively with eachother.

"LESBOS!" I cried

"NO!" they screamed and ran away crying yellow lemon tears.

"GOD HATES HOMOSEXUALS!" I cried after them and then they turned around and looked said, their tears turning green "We know," they said in unison.

"We will pray for your redemption, and to make the both of you STRAIGHT."

"Yes!" they said.

Heterosexual prayer:

Dear god we really messed up.

And now I made two girls one cup.

We are ashamed of our sin.

But what if we do it again?

That is why, dear lord.

We asked for your cord.

So we can plug back into.

Your righteous mento.

I DON'T WANT TO BE GAY!

Amen.

I think it worked….maybe! Or maybe God will just hate them. But that's okay. Because God loves me.

All of a sudden, Ebony walked into the room.

"I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING!"

Oh God. (sorry God.) "Oh really? WHAT have I been doing? Tell me, please!"

"You've been bumping buns with Dean!"

"Bumping….buns?"

"IT'S WHAT I SAY! I have picture proof!"

"What do you mean 'bumping buns'?"

"HE PUT HIS THINGY in YOUR YOU KNOW WHAT?"

"You mean…penis and vagina?"

"AHHH DON'T SAY THAT BAD WORDS HURT MY EARS AHHHHH"

"Okay…? Everyone knows I…uhh… 'bumped buns' with Dean, so what?"

"Does everyone know you did it as those PREPS Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez?"

"NO! I was NOT Selena Gomez…I was…. Amy Winehouse! And he was Shane Dawson"

"WERE NOT! HE HAD THE BIEBER FLIP AND EVERYTHING!"

"PLEASE don't tell anyone! PLEASE!"

"I won't, on one condition."

"ANYTHING!"

"I won't tell if…you KILL Hilary Duff!"

My eyes went wide "NOOOOO!"

I was screaming like that for awhile and then I looked up and realized that she was gone. I shrugged and walked out of the commons and decided she just forgot. As I walked right up to the Common room I saw Ebony's stupid friend B'loody Mary Moshing with Diablo in the halls. Then as I passed them they both flipped me the bird.

I stuck my tongue out at them "You know you want this!" I screamed "JESUS HATES YOU!"

I ran away but fell down because I was wearing heels. "Ow," I said from the floor.

"Are you alright?" asked Professor Lupin, who was grinning but then he turned into a werewolf and ran off into the woods. That was weird.

After that I decided I REALLY wanted to go back to the common room, so I did.

The next morning, I woke up to Dean. WAIT WHAT.

DEAN?

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?"

"…I'm really horny."

"NOT NOW DEAN!"

"…Okay." He said sadly.

"It's okay. Jesus still loves you in all your horny glory."

"He loves you as well."

Then all of a sudden, Voldemort popped in and said:

"I'm going to kill thou!"

"No you're not."

"Okay…" and then he left.

That was weird.

After Voldy was gone I looked at Dean and he looked at me. I grinned and hopped up from the bed and changed into my favorite outfit right in front of him. I was wearing a stripped pink minidress with leather leggings and a pink leather jacket. Right across the back it said: "Jesus loves me more!" and I put on undies that had a picture of jesus' face right on it, these were also my favorite! To finish I put on some pink converse sneakers and we both went down to breakfast.

When we got to the commons we saw huge posters of us dressed up as Bieber and Gomez, I was horrofrfied! What were we going to do? Would we get in trouble for having sex? What about our room of requirement (it was definitely required!) would they find out about it?

"Nice one," laughed Ginny "Did you really roleplay as JB and Selena Gomez?"

"Yes," I said.

"Cool," Muffy said in my defense.

"Yeah!" echoed Buffy. But the whole school was laughing.

I still looked hot.

I looked at the poster. Actually, it wasn't such a bad thing. Dean looked really, really sexy. But not as sexy as me.

Or Jesus.

Because Jesus is really sexy.

"I TOLD you what would happen if you didn't kill Hilary Duff!"

Ebony popped out beside me. WTF was she wearing? She looked like death itself!

"THE POWER OF CHRIST REPELS YOU!" I held out a cross to her arm.

"OWWW FUCK THAT HURTS! SATAN SAVE ME!"

Thank God. (Literally, thank you God.)

It wasn't such a bad thing after all! Until…

Dumblydore saw the posters.

"Wow! That's super sexy!"

Okay, the posters had to go at that point, he's too old.

"Dumblydore! Can we take them down, you can't let people see these!"

"Yeah!" Cried Dean looking angry and then he pulled out his womb and shot a curse at them and they all set on fire, all of a sudden I felt sick. I decided if I had to throw up on anyone it would be Ebony so that is what happened, I threw up right over her shoes.

"Ah! Preppy bitch! What are you doing! Ewww!"

"Ahh," I said suddenly at ease, wow those would come and go at random. "That is better."

"Yuck," said Dean taking a few steps away.

"Yep," I said and looked down at myself to make sure I wasn't covered in vomit—I wasn't.

"YOU RUINED MY LIFE!" Ebony screamed and rushed away, when she was gone I saw her friends flipping me off. I frowning and then stuck my tongue out at them, they all ran away crying tears of blood. Weirdos.

I left the commons a little later and then I saw it! Ebony was sucking Cedric's blood!


	6. DA

FUK U GOFFS! I HAT ALL OF U BRINAY IS NUT A MARIE SOON OK? MR NORRIS CAN TALK, OK!11111 THNKS 2 MUH BEAST FREND LINDAY FUR HLUPIN MEH WITH DA STORAY!

Chapter 6

"WHAT are you doing?"

"Sucking his blood, what does it look like?"

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?"

"I got hungry."

I looked in shock. Cedric looked…unalive. What's the word for that? Oh yeah, dead.

I tried to chase her off, but she hissed at me. I ran away crying rainbow unicorn tears of sadness.

"DEAN!"

"What's wrong? The posters got taken down. You didn't look THAT bad, although you are getting a little flabby…"

"Shut it! Cedric's dead! Ebony killed him!"

"Really? That sucks."

"…that's all?"

"Yep. I hate that kid."

"Oh. Okay. Whatever. We should probably tell Dumblydore about this."

"You have a valid point, m'lady."

So we went into his office, where we found him smoking drugs.

"DUMBLYDORE!" Cho screamed rushing past us "CEDRIC IS DEAD!"

"What? That sucks," sighed Dumblydoor shaking his head and picking up another joint "Care for a joint, children?"

"Okay," Said Dean, I nodded and he handed it to us.

"Mmm," I said taking a long drag of it, "Marijuana, its goooood stuff."

"This is most certainly true." Said Dean

We left, but before we did so Dean and I both shouted: "JESUS LOVES YOU!"

As we were walking down the hall I decided I didn't feel like going to class. They should be cancelled since a student just got murdered and everything. So me, Buffy, and Muffy all went down to Hogsmede where we saw VOLDYMORT!

"NOW I SHALL KILL THOU, STUPID CHILDREN!'

"No!"

"Avada kedav…."

"KILLER NO KILLING! KILLER NO KILLING! KILLER NO KILLING!"

"…Aww man."

And he ran away, crying tears of pure metal and iron and some sawdust.

"…Owwch?"

Yes, that would hurt. But we're getting off topic.

Anyway, we walked into Hogsmede, where we ran into Rita Skeeter.

"Hello children."

"WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK DON'T YOU SEE WE ARE MOURNING!"

"Not really."

"Cedric Digalot died!"

"How sad. How?"

"Nobody cares, except us. It's super sad. Dumblydore is smoking weed in his classroom."

"Oh my god! How sad!"

"DON'T SAY OH MY GOD!"

And we ran away crying pink and purple cotton candy tears.

We returned to the Common room and we didn't even get to SHOP! I cried and cried because…well I don't know why. Suddenly I wanted to have some cake, so I had Buffy sneak out to get some.

"Why are you eating so many carbs?" Muffy asked as we sat down on the couch, done crying for now. "It's like you're pregnant."

"I'm not," I said happily "I couldn't be, I'm God's favorite, haven't you seen my shit?"  
>"Maybe," Said Buffy suddenly back now "But are you on the pill?"<p>

"God hates birth control!" I yelled sadly.

"Here" said Ginny handing me a box that said 'pregnancy test' on it, that was weird. "Just see…maybe God forgot."

I shrugged. It wouldn't work anyhow. So I took it out of the box and stuck the tip into my mouth.

"NO!" shrieked Muffy.

"You have to pee on it!" Buffy echoed sexily.

So I did, right there in the common room. I peed on it sexily and then looked at it.

"It'll take a second," Ginny added.

Suddenly it said right on it: pregnant.

"That CAN'T be true! It's….lying!"

"It's a piece of plastic, it doesn't think."

"Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so, if I am to pregnant be, then why won't you just shoot me?"

"Why would we shoot you?"

"I'M NOT READY FOR MONSTERS!"

"….."

"Can't you say something _besides _dot dot dot dot?"

"Comma comma comma comma?"

"THIS IS NOT THE POINT, WE'RE GETTING OFF TOPIC!"

I cried sexy baby like tears.

"What am I supposed to do?"

"You should probably go tell Dean that you're gonna have a half chocolate half vanilla baby on the way!1111"

"…wait….what was the one one one one for?"

"It's an expression, you wouldn't understand. Now go tell him!"

I ran to where Dean's class was, which luckily again, was potions class.

"OH SNAP!"

"Hey, girly, what's up?"

"NO TIME TO TALK, I NEED DEAN!"

"Art thou horny?"

"No, it's a DIFFERENT talk…and why did you talk like that?"

"I was reading Shakespeare."

"Oh…alright then, cmon Dean!"

"No more bumping buns! Jesus loves you!"

We ran right out and Dean got excited and starting to run to the room of requirement but I stopped him.

"No!" I said angrily. "Not now."

"Why did you get me? Isn't that what we do, have sex and nothing else?"

"Well yeah…but there is a little hitch with our plan."

"What."

"A plastic stick told me I'm pregnant."

"WHAT!" Dean screamed "BUT WE PRAYED!"

"I know!" I shouted back and started crying puppies.

Dean was crying too "Why has this happened to us, what have we done wrong?"

"You stupid preps!" Shitted Ebony "you are stupid preps that is what you did wrong. You do not worship Satan."

"I love GOD" I screamed and Dean nodded.

"Leave now, stupid goffik, we must pray."

Mistake Prayer:

Dear Lord, I fucked up majorly,

And now this is a mystery,

I dunno God, I got a bun in the oven,

And if it comes out, I don't wanna shove it back in,

I'm not ready for a giant uterus,

Or for the midnight runnings to Toys-R-Us

GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME

Amen.

"I'm not entirely sure how effective, or rhythmically correct that was, but that's alright! Jesus loves us…right?"

"I dunno Dean, I think he hates you!"

"WHAT? WHY?"

"You're black."

THANKS GURL I LURV U TA DEAF! BTW DO U KNO WHERE CHEESUS I?


	7. DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

oh my grilled goooodnisss LISDNEY YOU BICH YOU ATE CHEEBUS HOW DARE U i luvd cheebus and you ate him! UR GOIN TO HEEL BICH. FUKKUN GOFFS FOR NUT CAING ABUT CHEEBUS N FOR CULLIN BIRNEY A MRY SUSAN!

We decided to go c dumblydoor cuase he wuz a wise min. Dan was mad at meh cuase of wut I sead but I did nut car. When we cam to dumblydoor s house he opned da dore n said What the Fuk are you kids doing hur! he cried sexily.  
>I m surry, I shitted, suddenly begging to cry rd n blak tearz (Yay! Go Bearcuts!). Imma prego! I scremed "!" cried dumblydore and he aulso strated cryin.<br>"Wut sould we do?" assed Dean.  
>"PRAY!" creamed Dumblewhore wisely.<br>"We already did!" I sed sexily and they staired at me fur a lung tim.  
>"wut did i moo wrong!1111119"<br>"i dunno, you teh preggo here, not me! i have a wenis!" sad dan, starin at dumbydoor all of a suddnn dan jumpd on dumleb and tryd to have smhex with him "wtf!111 what ar yo doin dan! dun do dat! yu whorse!"  
>"I luv u dumblewhore!" cried dan "stick dat right in!" he said and dumblydumb strarted to cri!11 I sturted ta cry so much more an run away and ran inta loopin and snap. they scremed at me to help dem wif eboby but i dudn't listen.<br>Suddenly...SEADRICK CAME!  
>"omfg!" I scremed happily "ur so hut!'<br>"get de huck awai frum me, dumm tich!" sid sedrick den oll of a sidden he sturted singing pooped up kicks "all de offur kidz wiff teh pooped up licks u nutter pun better pun outpun my son"  
>"Der is a Ashlay simpson contort in hogsmede 2day! Plz cum wif meh!"<br>Seadric shook his hed butt den suddenlys he locked at meh and smiled "Ok, bich, Ill cum wif you, okay? Were sumthing pretty."  
>"ok!" I creamed and den i herd meh friend Buffy callin meh.<br>"Guess wat!111" she said hapilly "muffy waz killed by the deeth deli cuase she is rrly goffic. (LIDNDAY YOU FUKIN BISH!)  
>"churro! gud im glud dat dish is gun she was a fuppid tucker aniway!11"<br>den all of a suddin volxedork pooped out of nowhr!  
>then fumblemroe crid morrr cuz he wuz secrerlty in luv wiff voldedork.<br>nways we all went up te me rom cause we waz no putting up wif dad shit. I cried cuase Dead was chetting on meh with dumblydumb. Now it was ok thogh cuase I hat seadric.  
>den i had 2 get redi fur me dat wif seadrick. i was gunna were a a suppa short skit wif a picture of jebus n it sed 'jebus lurvs me mur' n a shit dat barely coverd meh bobs. Lastlay i wore a pear of suppah hi hot pink hells with pictuers of jubs fissh. I looked swoooo HAWT!<br>I went to da hufflepuffed table n fond sedric n he was havin a fight wif cho chan she was crin and sayin "Butt sedric i lurv you!"  
>I smelled as he turned to lock meh, "Oh, britey you look totally hawt!" he cried smexily and then dean glaired at mi frum da gryfindoor tabel. I stuck mi tonge out at im and mi n sedrick went.<br>finially we was in da place were da cotcert waz n we started scremin n scremin! "I LURV YOU ASHEH!" scremed cedric i wuz kidna jellous of him cuz sedrick is supahh hoot but it waz okai cuz i think i mite be bie so i sink she's purty sexi to i kno i sid dat homosexials arr goin to heel but jebus loves me mroe so it's okaia!11111 Suddely voldmprt cam n everyone stated scremin.  
>"Briteny i luv y will u hav smex wif me.<p>

LIDAY U FUKING BISH I HAT U SO MUC I...JUST DO. 


	8. Chapter 8

BRITNAY IS NUT A FUKING MARIE SU! NO NO NO! SHE IZ PURRFECT UNLY CUASE GUD LURVES HER N SHE I NUT A SLUT! sTUP CALLIN HER 1! FUK YOU LIDSAY U WAS SUPPOSED TO DO DIS! I HAT YOU!

CHAPTA 8 i stated to scream and run around da rom cause i didnt know wat to do. voldemort grabbed me n put me on his brom and stole me away to his lair. i was crying n cryin cause I didn't want ta b his bride.  
>"Britney!" voldedork sed angriliy "u shall be mi bride or I shall kill thy beloved Dan!"<br>"Nuuuuu1111111111" I cremed and stated to cry "Plz i dunt want teh be ur bid plz dunt make mi!"  
>but he grabed my bob and mad me cream in pure terroar. "u will marry mr or i will shall mak thee puffer the consekuences!"<br>"but i am wiff kid!111112"  
>"thou thinks i car?" volzedork said sexily.<br>"yu r n evil, evil van!1"  
>"Nuw hav smex wif meh!" he cied and den he tore off mi cloths and stated to rap me! I cried n cried pink tears of pur horror. den suddenly Snap n Loopin came!<br>"Da Bark lord11111" scremed loopin dropping down on his knees "please, we must take da gurl back to da church (geddit cause Im christian)!  
>"Fine, she shall go back. but every tuesday she shall come n have sex with I!" he cried and then he used his telephonesis to disappear.<br>"loopin, i hav sumfin to tell yo111"  
>"twat?"<br>"i fink i might be bie!"  
>"jebbub hates homoinfections!"<br>"he also hats homophones! jebbus will luv me no matter wuv!"  
>then loopin died cuz he was so sad.<br>i thot dat wus weird.  
>Suddenly snap did a spell n we were bak at da crotch. I went to my room neakies cause mi clothes were desteroied.<br>"Wat happen?" asked Buffy sadly "i waz kidnaped n voldempryt rapped mi!1111"  
>"OMFG!" she cried n den everyone in da conman roo stated to cry. Suddenly fred n george wesley stated to have se wif meh and I was happy again fur da furst tim in a lung will.<br>den, aftaa we were done, we relized we furgot to prai!  
>"Oh mahh treesus!113456778990!" i said, whorefried. "we dint prah!"<br>"dats okay, we're afist!" "JEBBUS HATS U!"  
>and i ran awai cryin turrs of sparticus.<br>I wen to bee n woke up in da morn to c volximpart starin at meh.  
>"I shall have sex with thou now, okay?" "I scremed I don't know dis person!"<br>but it did nut matter and he rapped mi fiv tims! I stated to cry teers of life ne terrorblue.

-  
>I m sry liday plz hulp meh. Plz! I furgave u fur eatin cheebus. <p>


End file.
